Attention

At Asghar’s urging, I’ve been thinking a lot about attention. Specifically, where I am putting my mental energy? Asghar uses grander language than I do, but at the core I think these are the questions he’s been urging me to consider are:

• What roadblocks have I allowed to persist in my thinking?
• What fears are still holding me back?
•  What changes and mindsets will help me succeed and move forward?

I still pay attention, subconsciously and otherwise, on what is wrong with me. Over the years, I’ve focused on the parts of me that aren’t working, that are in pain, that are not performing as they used to. I celebrate when I stand easily or walk tall, but my mind keeps cataloging what is going wrong.

Disease can be relentless. Pain and physical challenges have a way of inserting themselves into everyday thoughts. Healthy, functioning bodies don’t keep tabs on the minutia of physical living. The cost of allowing the thoughts and mindset of “disease” has a real cost - before you know it, your subconscious is full of complaints, fears and limitations. That list of worries keeps growing and is reinforced by every bad day or temporary setback.

I think about fears that I once had. I couldn’t roll on my stomach; I panicked when my legs felt weak. I didn’t trust myself to work. I have a lot more confidence in what I can do now, but I realize I am still fighting fears.

What if I can’t keep improving?

What if I have an exacerbation?

I need to let go of these questions. Change them to the positive. I need to pay attention to what is right and stop obsessing over what is wrong. That pattern of thinking only holds me back. I have to let go of the “list” to move forward. I guess I need to start thinking like a healthy person. That is the only way to get to actually be a healthy person.

The fact is, some of these symptoms will be here regardless of how much attention and energy I give them. Thinking, obsessing and feeling afraid won’t ever improve them. Exercise, meditation and focused drive to challenge my disease have a much higher chance of working. I’ve got to give myself the best chances for actual improvement.

I have to shift my attention and allow my brain the room it needs to give healing a chance. That’s easier said than done. That “list” in my brain is long and persistent, maybe there is even a certain safety in the list – it gives you reasons and excuses to avoid the real challenge of battling a disease.  It understands. 

That’s the danger, you see.

So I need to shift my focus and move forward. Change my attention and the dialogue in my head.  I know I can do it, but it is a tricky business. Step by step I go….forward.

Fighting a Giant

The funny thing, as Asghar pointed out to me today, is fighting a disease is not exactly a “fair fight” The disease is like a giant - it’s big, ugly and relentless. And I, in battling the giant, am armed with what amounts to a tiny needle rather than a sword.

This isn’t a hopeless situation, however.

If I keep at it and needle this giant I can wear him down. Although it may take awhile to see the giant fall, it isn’t impossible.

I like the visual, imagining just what an exceptional pain in the ass I am to this stubborn giant known as MS. I am beating it down. I am wearing it out. I imagine it annoyed, beleaguered, and despondent.

Because, hey, that is often how it makes me feel – seems fair, doesn’t it?

This summer, the giant has thrown some challenges my way. But I have my needle, it’s sharp, and I am poised to needle my way through.